Monthly Archives: August 2011

Aug 22 2011

Really, PG-13?

Note: This article is rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America.

So we’re watching Fast5, right? Like any normal mid-30s couple should do on a beautiful, 80-degree Saturday morning in August. Don’t get me wrong, I love the sun and frolicking in summer as much as the next Oregonian, but sometimes I need me some fast cars, big explosions, and skin… lots of skin (you know, the whole reason Michael Bay is making movies that rake in billions). Anyway, it’s two-thirds of the way through this cinematic pièce de résistance when I blurt out the following:

“You know honey,” as I so often state, “It seems like they can get away with killing as many people as they want in a PG-13 movie, as long as there’s no wounds.”

Flashes of all the R-Rated movies I was raised jogged through my mind. Movies like Robocop, Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, anything with Arnold Schwarzenegger, all movies with one thing in common- the squib.

A squib is a very specific piece of equipment that’s used by special effects guys to simulate one thing, and that’s a gunshot wound. It’s usually a tube, or a miniature explosive attached to the outside of a vest, or anything that can create a nice spray of red mist from a person’s body. You’ve seen them a million times… Ever catch Die Hard on cable? Like, the real cable, the kind that doesn’t censor Bruce Willis shouting “Yippie-Kay-Yay-Motherfucker!” It’s the fine art of action movies from an era that has now quickly faded out. In fact the only action movies that use anything close to Robocop-gore are zombie flicks these days… and then? It’s not even real effects. It’s CGI. I don’t think they even use squibs anymore. Somewhere on a mountaintop, Renny Harlin is crying.

I digress. Fast5. So there’s this big shoot-out toward the end of the movie where literally dozens of men are violently gunned-down, grenaded (a new word?), or blown apart by rocket launchers, and all the while not a drop of blood is spilled. There are no squibs, no CGI sprays, just a shitload of guns blazing, and dudes falling down. That’s when my inner child started crying as well (I’m just saying, Cliffhanger is a great movie alright?).

I remember when action movies weren’t safe. I remember when movie studios made movies that didn’t have to be dumbed-down (intentionally) in order to attract a younger audience… but more and more it seems like anything goes in a PG-13 movie as long as there’s no blood, nudity, or sexual dialogue. You can have truly terrifying images, things that would scar a child for many sleepless nights, in movies like Insidious, The Grudge, or even the Harry Potter finale, and still net a wider audience with a PG-13 rating… but if you talk about sex or even say a certain phrase? You get an R. I guess the movie studios are just like every other corporation out there now- obsessed with the bottom line. Maybe that’s the way it’s always been… What do I know, I’m just a mid-30s gangsta from the streets of South Central Salem.

It made me think of our old friend John McClane, from Die Hard, and how this whole thing started with him. The very R-Rated franchise put out three profanity-laced, bullet-riddled, bloody-good action classics (another nod to our sobbing Finnish director) in the 80s and 90s, and then the fourth one was announced in 2005. In 2007, when the movie came out, it was rated PG-13 , for demographic reasons. So despite the fact that Live Free or Die Hard is a completely badass action flick that is just as good as any of the other sequels, it still felt sanitized. They even cut the signature line, “Yippie-Kay-Yay-Mother-Fu-“GUNSHOT.

Other than the pervasive profanity that is missing, this movie still racks up a body count and blows up more parts of Washington DC than I could count. I mean, Bruce Willis kills a helicopter with a damn police car. So when the DVD came out in two versions, the theatrical PG-13, or the “unrated” cut, I of course bought the unrated one. It was exactly the same movie, just with all of the original, unedited dialogue, and all of the digital blood-sprays. It was the first time I remembered seeing such a fine line of difference between what was acceptable for a PG-13 movie nowadays.

There’s no guidelines for any of this rating stuff by the way. Anything you’ve heard about how a movie can only say “fuck” twice or it’ll get an automatic R… yeah’s that’s all bullshit. Well, except when it comes to nudity. If you have nudity, basically of any kind, there’s your R. Maybe you can get away with a boob-shot if you don’t have any violence in your film… but if you spend an hour shooting bad guys by the truck-full and then try to sneak in a bare chest, well there’s your R. It all comes down to a group of men and women who call themselves the Motion Picture Association of America. They got the movie studios to agree to submit every movie they made to them, where they watch it in secret, discuss it, and vote on it. Studios and directors can re-cut movies to get a lower rating, or they can argue their case… which one do you think works?

Seriously, this group is so creepily affected by sex, and at the same time, have a blind eye to the endless slaughter of minions. Millions of minions have died in the name of action-movie glory, only the kid-movies used to get PG-13… and now that’s all gone.

I blame Peter Jackson. He must have killed a hundred thousand disgusting, blood-covered “orcs” in the Lord of the Rings movies… and you know how he got away with it? Well orc blood is black of course. It fit seamlessly into the fantasy aspect of the films, and allowed him to brutally kill by arrow, sword, impaling, stomping, biting, lava-ing, hundreds of digital bad-guys… and get a PG-13 rating. You know how else he did it? No elf boobies.

Lastly Michael Bay. Bless his blonde little heart. I’ve been a Bay-addict since Bad Boys I, since The Rock (one of the best action movies ever put on film by the way), since Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall… I’m talkin’ way back. Michael Bay gets a lot of crap, and whatever, I’m sick of it. Bay, I’m in your corner buddy. The man squeezes more style into every single frame of a movie than most movies have in the whole 90 minutes. Yes, his movies are cartoons, that’s what they’re supposed to be. It’s not like he’s doing this shit accidentally… but I have an issue.

My 4-year-old son is obsessed with Transformers. The robots in disguise are all he talks about, morning, noon, and night. Now, I’ve let him watch parts of the first two Michael Bay Transformers movies, and in retrospect… probably a bad decision. Either I’m getting older and fuddy-duddier, or these aren’t the kid-friendly die-cast toys I used to play with for hours on end. Michael Bay does the same thing with giant, transforming robots as Peter Jackson did with orcs. He gets away with suspenseful, violent, and awe-inspiring fight scenes and shoot-outs where, again, literally hundreds of innocent people are vaporized. Or he gets away with ripping your kids’ favorite Transformer to pieces, oil, hydraulic fluid, and parts flying everywhere like blood-splatter… Try explaining what just happened to Jazz to a 4-year-old (disregarding the deeper, more philosophical music question that comes to mind). Perfect exploitation of the rating system. Damn it Bay.

So I’m sitting there, growing bored and fascinated by the Fast and the Furious, and what it means for America. Because the simple fact is, even when movies were rated R, as 11 year old kids we got to see them all the time. Either we had horrible parents, or theaters and video stores were way more lax with their enforcement… However there was still a feeling of getting away with something. Now we’re straight up telling youngsters it’s ok to watch this stuff. Impressionable minds who think “Wow, that’s so cool!” and don’t think there’s anything wrong with what they’re seeing. When Steven Spielberg suggested to the MPAA they should implement an “in-between” rating to bridge PG and R, do you think he had these two in mind?

(Fast5 Screen Shot)

Well thanks, MPAA, you weird, secret cult you. Thank you for making a cookie-cutter process for judging artistic expression that allows movies like Fast5 and Transformers: Dark of the Moon, both clearly R-Rated flicks, to sneak past with a few edits… And to let movies like The King’s Speech get slapped with an R because of the word fuck. I mean seriously. We will let our kids watch movies where dozens are violently killed, blown up, run-through, smashed by cars, blown up again (and then have some girls in tight-clothes run around of course)… but when it comes to hearing a word in the English language, or seeing something that they too have on their chest or between their legs and deal with every day… well that’s taboo.

I say, we, the people, need to get rid of these guys. They’re not a government body. They’re not associated with anyone but themselves. They are a secret gang of overlords who control what we see with their own values and opinions.

That’s fucked up.

Aug 8 2011

Obama’s “Fuck Yeah!” Moment?

There’s a point in most action films when the geeky, soft-spoken protagonist (who has been pushed around, poked, and prodded the entire movie) finally rises up and becomes the hero. We’ve seen it a hundred times- from George McFly punching out Biff in Back to the Future, and Kurt Russel finally grabbing the gun and saving his wife in Breakdown; to Neo stopping a hail of bullets with his mind in The Matrix, or when the bat-shit crazy religious lady takes a cap to the dome in The Mist… or when Titus Pullo, condemned to die in the arena of Rome, raises his bloodied sword and screams “THIRTEEN!!” (In my opinion, one of the greatest moments in television history) Or perhaps you remember the most tear-jerking climax of all time when Daniel-San limped out of his corner, took the crane stance, and kicked Johnny square in the face?

My point being, in every truly epic finale, the bruised, broken, and bleeding hero shakes off the timidity of the past and reaches deep within to find that primordial strength we all believe we have buried away somewhere. It’s what we come to expect when the protagonist we’ve rooted for continually gets pushed around. In fact, it’s become a cultural icon in American storytelling. We’ve always had wise-cracking tough guys that save the day in a hail of bullets, but more recently the under-dog has become the action king.

Now should it seem strange that we’re expecting this from a President? Throughout the debt crisis I kept waiting for Obama to palm-strike John Boehner‘s nose into his brain and turn a gun on congress, forcing them to pass some legislation that would actually help save the country. I wanted to see him flip the desk in the oval office, rip open his suit-and-tie to reveal a yellow Enter the Dragon jumpsuit, smack Nancy Pelosi on the ass, and grab Michelle for a passionate kiss before stage-diving into an angry crowd of Tea Party-ers and smacking some American common sense into their thick skulls.

I honestly don’t think it’d be too hard to pull off. After all, we all know that if Obama can’t pull off a “Fuck Yeah!” moment in the next year, he’s headed out faster than Jimmy Carter in 1980… but, then again, maybe America doesn’t need a hero right now. Perhaps America’s First Black President is enough for Barack?

For the rest of us, the music is swelling, the conflict insurmountable, and the credits are only a year away… and me? Well I always root for the underdog.

Aug 1 2011

For Mad Men

I don’t care what your excuse is, if you haven’t seen AMC’s iconic Sunday night show Mad Men, you are way behind. While it might not be the cup of tea for Two and a Half Men fans or Reality TV junkies, winning Best Dramatic series for three years might be a clue that you should be tuning in. In fact now is the best time to catch up on your Mad Men. Netflix has added every episode to it’s streaming service and AMC is preparing to rerun the entire show so far in lieu of the postponed March premiere of the next season. Normally those of us who define our Augusts by our Sunday night programming are euphoric due to new episodes of Mad Men, however due to the show’s producers wrangling with AMC over it’s future, filming is just now getting started for season 5.

In case you still haven’t seen it, Mad Men revolves around an old-school ad agency in the early 60s on Madison Ave in New York… and specifically it’s tormented, philandering, and extremely talented front man Don Draper. I could spend an entire post heaping rave upon rave for John Hamm‘s performance in this role (which has won him a Golden Globe and an Emmy Nom this year, by the way). Don Draper is the ultimate anti-hero, he’s handsome, smooth-talking, clever, and consistently makes every bad decision he can regarding his personal life. He is the ultimate American man of his time period- he drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, and screws everything that walks in front of him… and whose world, so intricately built and maintained, comes falling down around him as the show progresses.

What the show does so brilliantly is reflect the changing perceptions in America in the early 60s, from the changing role of women (at home and in the workplace), divorce, and political upheaval, war, and the rise of the youth movement and television. That may seem like a broad stroke, but the genius of Mad Men is it’s ability to handle these issues while not ever becoming preachy or over sentimental (no Wonder Years here).

What I believe to be one of the best episodes of the entire show comes at the end of the third season, and forgive my partial spoilers, but if you haven’t seen the show- you’ll forget anyway. Don Draper, whose marriage to Betty has been on the rocks for a season now, gets a double-dose of bad news in one day. First, his long-time employer Sterling Cooper, the hottest small ad agency in the business is about to be folded into the workings of a larger, overseas corporation- meaning the death bell for the careers of almost every talented character we’ve followed so far.

Secondly, his wife hits him with the “big D” as he comes home one night from the office. Sadly, their three children are also caught in the middle. In a brilliant scene that I imagine would spark total recall for millions of Americans, Don and Betty sit the two older kids down in the living room to explain the upcoming change in the family- to which they respond with painful, childhood honesty. When Don states, “I’m not going, I’ll just be living elsewhere…”

The oldest, Sally, responds with, “That’s GOING, you say things and you don’t mean them, you can’t just do that! You said you’d always come home…” before storming out of the room to leave the 6-year-old boy clutching his father’s leg and begging him not to go.

While this isn’t a strange or even original scene to see these days, however the way in which it is handled, the humanity of the children and the impossible explanation from their divorcing parents is so well portrayed that it stirs something in our collective memory. For most viewers, it hits us in the gut. The feeling that we’re not just seeing the Draper family fail, but our own childhood memories of divorce and separation are echoed across time- as it is easy to imagine these two small children as our own parents- compiles with our own adult experiences of going through divorce. How masterfully the writers handle the great tragedy of the late 20th century- the perceived crumbling of the American family. We know that the characters will go on as much as we are able to conjure up the post-divorce lives we or loved ones have lived in reality, and yet the tragedy of the Draper family is the tragedy of tens of millions of people across the country.

A tragedy that Don gives a perfect point to later in the episode while trying to convince his ex-secretary-turned-talented-artist/copy-writer Peggy to follow him as he decides to strike out on his own in the Ad game. “Do you know why I don’t want to go to McCann [the company attempting to buy out the agency]? Because there are people out there who buy things, people like you and me… and something happened. Something terrible… And the way that they saw themselves… is gone… and nobody understands that… but you do… and it’s very valuable. With you, or without you, I’m moving on… and I don’t know if I can do it alone. Will you help me?”

When Peggy asks him if she says no if he’ll hate her and never talk to her again, Don responds, “No, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to hire you.”

Now if you haven’t seen the show, this might seem trivial… but in the context of the episode where Kennedy has just been shot and America has been turned on its ear… it is the perfect scene to highlight the truest of human tragedy- the loss of innocence and identity in the face of perseverance and the American dream… and it is this symbolism and nostalgia-laced loss that is the real genius behind Mad Men. That while we struggle to maintain the status quo, the world gives us curve balls impossible to avoid, and our fight against that change is the source of our greatest hope- and our most tragic loss.

Tune in, this show is a MUST SEE!

Aug 1 2011

Want to Win a Ride to Space?

As we ride the backlash from NASA’s Space Shuttle Shutdown, Seattle elite are starting a contest to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Space Needle, and the grand prize? A ride in to orbit… well… almost. Private company SpaceAdventure is currently developing craft to carry paying passengers into sub-orbit for around 6 minutes of zero-gravity at a time. So technically space, but not quite a stay on the uber-expensive orbital hotel opening next year.

The tiered contest starts with open registration on the Space Needle’s website starting today, and will advance through a random selection via computer and 1-minute videos that will eventually be voted on. There will, of course, be a physical evaluation phase as well, no wants exploding hearts or brain aneurysms on their hyped-up privatized “space-flight.”

Regardless, it doesn’t sound like you’ve got anything to lose from entering… well besides your lunch somewhere above the Earth.

Good luck!